There's one fellow who plays an important role in the story of Bingley Grammar. A jolly chap who raises the fibre-to-arse ratio wherever he wanders. Who single handedly holds the award for most places to shit outside of a toilet.
The character I am talking about is Schmard.
When there's work to be done, he will stay up til the early hours of the morning or wake up early just to do it. However when work's nowhere to be seen so is the motivation.
However one fateful day his bowel movements got the better of him. It was a sunny day. The sky was clear, the air was warm and the world was his oyster.
He voyaged for about an hour with his trusty skateboard down to a local skatepark. Along the way he stopped at a supermarket to purchase with the pennies in his pocket 3 cartons of apple juice.
Arriving at the skatepark he had a jolly old time. Playing and frollicing amongst the chavs which inhabit it. During this time the apple juice was consumed with gusto. Eventually after a couple of hours he returned home.
By this point the apple juice was beginning to get the better of his colon and flatulence ensued. A faithful friend suggested a marvellous idea, to light his fart.
The initial attempt to use matches failed when the wind was too strong and blew the flame out. Therefore the suggestion was made that the hob should be used in its place.
A fateful mistake
In his complacent attitude towards the integrity of his spinctre. He pull he arse out, purched it over the hob and with one great swoop, he followed through onto the hob. A sauce like stain is all which remained on the counter.
This is but a small insight into the life and times of Schmard.
