Bingley Chronicles

As you can see this ha all worked very well.

The evil masterminds behind this website have set their sites on world domination before the end however, this all seems to have fallen on 'deaths ears' (quite literally) for after a few mere days and a rallying of support to this cause all seems to have stopped.

The masterminds cannot simply have disappeared. They must be somewhere, their goals must be fulfilled.

There's one fellow who plays an important role in the story of Bingley Grammar. A jolly chap who raises the fibre-to-arse ratio wherever he wanders. Who single handedly holds the award for most places to shit outside of a toilet.

The character I am talking about is Schmard.

When there's work to be done, he will stay up til the early hours of the morning or wake up early just to do it. However when work's nowhere to be seen so is the motivation.

However one fateful day his bowel movements got the better of him. It was a sunny day. The sky was clear, the air was warm and the world was his oyster.

He voyaged for about an hour with his trusty skateboard down to a local skatepark. Along the way he stopped at a supermarket to purchase with the pennies in his pocket 3 cartons of apple juice.

Arriving at the skatepark he had a jolly old time. Playing and frollicing amongst the chavs which inhabit it. During this time the apple juice was consumed with gusto. Eventually after a couple of hours he returned home.

By this point the apple juice was beginning to get the better of his colon and flatulence ensued. A faithful friend suggested a marvellous idea, to light his fart.

The initial attempt to use matches failed when the wind was too strong and blew the flame out. Therefore the suggestion was made that the hob should be used in its place.

A fateful mistake

In his complacent attitude towards the integrity of his spinctre. He pull he arse out, purched it over the hob and with one great swoop, he followed through onto the hob. A sauce like stain is all which remained on the counter.

This is but a small insight into the life and times of Schmard.

'2 minutes to go' he thinks to himself as he runs from rooftop to rooftop. His bus was late and desperate lengths had to be taken to ensure everything went to plan. Today was by no means a good day for this silent footed quick stream adventurer. His hood sways in the icy cool breeze while his hair gets damp from the spray of formless rain.

Deep in concentration, only 90 seconds to go. Counting the seconds of every breath to maintain pefet bodily harmony. He cannot screw this up. In the big picture he is running out of time.

'Shit running out of rooftops' He thinks, a millisecond of doubt crossing his mind. he stumbles.

'Bollocks!' his balance is gone and the wet roof tiles are stopping his poorly designed trainers from gripping. If he falls to the pavement now he may risk his identity. Quickly, his thoughts become actions in what seems like a beautifully harmonised action.

'Hand in pocket'
Hand goes into pocket
'Grab Grapple'
Grabs the Grapple
'Shoot at the ariel'
Shoots at Ariel

'YES!' and the boy was saved. holding on over the edge of the roof, he looks down to see James Murphy walk past. He retains concentration. Pulls himself up and retains focus. Looks to his watch.

'1 minute left, i can do this' He preps, destresses his muscles. releaves his mind of all pressures. His eyes close, he spends 5 seconds in deep concentration. Suddenly, something clicks.

'The traffic lights' As this is said, the crossing beeps. He springs into action. In one fluent and brilliantly graceful moment he jumps onto an unsuspecting sciento. Then from this to the traffic lights, from this, the school gates and from this more buildings.

30 seconds to go.

'Fuck it, i wont get there been stealthy anymore'

As soon as this is said he leaps, gliding through the air like a pheonix. He lands, runs, punching any unsuspecting fool out of his way. as he runs he counts his victims.

'35, 36 ' 38, 40...'

5 seconds. His targets in site, but hes on the wrong side of the wall, he cant afford to run round the building to get inside.

4 seconds. His mind has lost all concentration, frantic. still punching people.

3 seconds. Idea after idea flooding in and out. more people flying to ground.

2 seconds. An idea strikes. there is a 1 foot tall wall before the window. a perfect step up, the harmony between body and mind once again acheived. and in the transitional second between 2 and 1, he leaps from the wall through the window.

1 second. landing is everything. theres a table in view as soon as he enters. but fuck, hes jumped in too far. he lands the palm of his hands on the first table he was about to miss, and launches himself from this position onto the next set of desks.

0 seconds. the bell sounds, third period starts

'Ah Paul Parkes, on time as always, says mr spencer'

'WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE WINDOW'

paul casually thinks of excuse ...

How does that challenge your understanding. A boy not many people acknowledge. maybe because hes too quiet or not sociable enough. But this boy turns out to be more skilled than a shinobi ninja. The moral of tis story?

Dont do drugs kids.

One of the most peculiar people in, Bingley Grammar, is the one we call 'Ben Oakes'. Ben Oakes, a mad man or a genius, an idiot or an intellectual, a big stupid doodoo head or a calm collected James Bond wannabe. This is just one of the potential 10's of stories inside the dirty, dim lit walls of, Bingley Grammar.

Is it fair to judge such a human being to be different. Just because he seems to have no work ethics, lacks effort, cant seem to get on school on time, never does homeowrk or coursework, plays on his xbox instead of dealing with responsibility, insults people on a daily basis and! throws things like water bottles at seemingly innocent human beings. I would say...

No

'Why do you say no' i hear you say or think...

Because ladies and gentlemen. Ben Oakes, is not of this world...

It started 2 years, 5 months, and roughly about 13 days ago.
A night that will never be forgotton, by me at least. I was walking through the woodlands when i noticed in the sky a shooting star. It was like no other star i had ever seen before. Generally these stars move over the sky at breakneck pace, but this one came towards me. and it came closer.
and closer.
and closer.
a little bit closer.
More closer.
UNTIL!
it got closer again
IN WHICH!
it flew into the ground with such collosal force i flew back.

After spending much pondering at the site of this big, red, hunk of Aluminium and titanium, i could distinguish that!

...

It was NOT a star

I was even more horrifyed by the fact that a staircase came out of it, thats not normal for a star is it. Well maybe it is, but i dont think anyone has gotton close enough to a star to inspect...

Then again...

anyway, from this deformed piece of crap emerged another piece of crap. THE UGLIEST ALIEN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN! it emerged saying 'F you' and then laughing with a high pitched sarcastic laugh. I became fascinatated by this life form, such knowledge coul be gained from it, such power could be realised, such MONEY could be MADE!

35 minutes later and ben was still dancing around shouting 'F you' at every tree in site. So i responded with my new friend by throwing a log at him. and i knocked him out...

As i started to bond with the creature, metaphorically not literally, we became 'friends' as it were. He would still shout insulting gestures and would comment on his mishapen head. I could tell he was uncomfortable about his appearence on Earth. He was green and hideous to look at. so i went into a costume shop and bought the first realistic looking synthetic skin i could find. He put it on and STILL looked hideous. His mishapen head caused the synthetic hair to take on a strange 'bouffant' form.

The next thing i did was to HUMANISE him, we cant have aliens coming onto our planet and being different! its not ethical, so i taught ben the ways of work, education, games consoles and the like. When he was done he was a completly NEW human, i mean, alien...

His next step of initiation was the education. I wanted Ben as i had now christened him, to get a head start in life. At first everything went well.

But then Ben saw something that would change the course of his life

James Bond...

Soon Ben went from hard working human being to a lazy tosser alien freeloader. Instead of working for a better life on our fantastic planet he would talk of how Daniel Craig is fantastic and how Pierce Brosnan deserved to die.

Brosnan was a good bond!

A GOOD BOND!

And now i find myself lost as to why he even stays on earth, why doesnt he return back to his people. where they can frollick in the fields, or whatever they call them. together shouting 'F you!' at one another. But alas, my arrogance has doomed the world, for Ben, wants...

He wants to..

become an ACTOR!

now everyone, collective NOOOOOOOOOO screams at the count of 3

1...

2...

3...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

This is just another frightning tale that Bingley has to offer. a casual reminder, if you or any of your friends say 'F you' instead of 'Fuck you' Please, shoot yourself/them.

THE OAKES ARE COMING BE CAREFUL
This was a tale from, Bingley, Grammar...

We begin the chronicle of Bingley Grammar school with a quick description of the school....

.....shite.

However the failure that is Bingley Grammar, fails to live up to the eccentricity of the pupils, nor the adventures they endure. Here we shall try and list but a few of these tales from a place where nothing is ever normal.